Rainy night

Tomorrow we start the second half of Walker's HBOT treatments.  He has had 9 and from earlier posts I do think we are seeing a difference.  I don't really know what to expect and how much of a difference is a difference. As hectic as these last two weeks are, there is a part of me that does not want to stop.  Because if we stop then we admit to defeat.  Man, that brings so many emotions to the surface!  Just writing "defeat" stirs up so much.  it brings up guilt that there is still a part of me that hasn't accepted Walker for how he is, right now. does that make me a bad mom? Some days I look in his eyes and know there is more of a personality just wanting to come out, I wonder how to get it out to the world, to show everyone who I know Walker is!  Then I question do I really know who Walker is? My self doubt takes over.

There are so many things that I want for him, and its hard to separate out what those things are that are for him and those that are really for me.  My family and I talk about "quality of life" for Walker, we talk in terms of communication, and health.  But what does that really mean? I read so many other blogs of moms with children of special needs, and I envy their positiveness, their confidence and advocacy for their child.  I am sure they must have dark hours not unlike mine, but maybe they just don't share those with the world.

I don't know how else to be.