Saturday, February 20, 2010

Around the world

Yesterday was a great day but an exhausting one.  By the time I laid my head down last night, I felt like I had been on a global excursion dragging both Sawyer and Walker with me.  In the morning we headed over for a play date, which was being hosted by a friend of mine whom I met while Walker was a baby, back when I mistakenly believed that we were all Italians.  As our children grew (they are all roughly the same age) and Walker's citizenship in Italy was revoked, we began to drift apart.  Its not these mom's faults, they are caring and loving people,its just hard to keep up when their children are running and playing on the playground and we are sitting on the side lines.  So more and more, I found myself declining to participate in their play dates and excursions because it was just to painful.  Yesterday, however, was a good day, and since Walker has been feeling better and I have a bad case of cabin fever, we accepted the invitation.  The play date went well, it was more a social catch up for me than a play date for Walker but everyone had a nice time.  Italy really is a beautiful place.

In the evening I got to have a mommy date with an amazing mom who happens to have a daughter with Downs Syndrome. I enjoy this woman's company and knowledge of so many different things, she is a huge resource for me in regards to Early Intervention for Walker.  On my ride home I had this feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  It wasn't a bad feeling, just something that was gnawing at me.  As I tried to go to sleep I realized that even in Holland, I am just a visitor.  It seems that there are different territories in Holland and Walker and I get to visit them but none are really home. We travel around visiting DS, Autism, CP and other territories but we only have a one day pass.  My community here does not have any type of support system for those of us that float around Holland, those of us who know we belong in Holland but cant seem to gain citizenship in any one territory.  It's not something that people deny me to, it's something that I do to myself. It plays on my insecurities and can be very lonely. I am not sure exactly what I am looking for, or even where I am going to find it, but I do know that I can't stay tucked away in the safety of our home, which just further isolates all of us. Instead I need to find a way to make our own community. 

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